*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"CARD CAPTOR SCIENCE THEATER 3000" (SEASON TWO)
EPISODE 19: MOTHER, MAY I [TAKE OVER THE WORLD]?
(A Pokemon MSTing)
MSTed From the Desk of Card Captor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun)
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
“Card Captor Sakura” is a trademark of CLAMP and those who distribute it.
“Pokemon” is a trademark of Nintendo and its subsidiaries.
“Mother, May I [Take Over The World]?” is the property of Mallet Boy and he’s welcome to it. I do not intend to offend him by making fun of his work like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as another form of C&C. ;)
(Cue "Card Captor Science Theater 3000 Love Theme" in 5....4....3....)
It's the not-too-distant future,
Last Sunday BC
There was this girl named Sakura
Quite different from you or me
She captured Clow Cards with her friends
All seen through Tomoyo’s camera lens
They tried to save the human race,
But Eriol lost his patience
So he shot them into space!!!!
Syaoran and Tomoyo: (Now what?)
We'll send them crappy fanfics
The worst we can find (lalala)
They'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor their minds (lalala)
Now keep in mind they can't control
When the fanfics begin or end (lalala)
Because, let’s face it, after all
Eriol’s not really their friend;
CARD CAPTOR ROLL CALL:
'Who asked you?!’
'Where’s my sword?'
'I love pudding!'
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
And other science facts (lalala)
Then repeat to yourself
*It's just a MiST*
You should really just relax
For Card Captor Science Theater 3000!!!
THE SATELLITE OF LOVE
Yue was going through the everyday routine of maintaining the systems aboard the satellite. This was a common thing for him and he almost never got noticed because of it. He really didn’t want to be noticed since being noticed led to getting unwanted attention from Dr. Eriol Hiiragazawa, the dark lord and master of Deep 13.
“Hey, Yue-san!” called Tomoyo. She approached him, camcorder in hand.
“What is it, Daidouji-san?” he asked.
“You know, I just realized I don’t have much footage of you.” Tomoyo raised her camcorder and began taping.
“So?” Yue replied flatly.
“So, I was thinking we could put you in the spotlight for a change.” Tomoyo beamed.
Tomoyo shrugged. “All of us have to provide some fan-service sometimes.” She raised her camcorder and began taping again.
“Do I bear some resemblance to Misato Katsuragi?” Yue asked.
“Then do not treat me as though I did.”
“Awwww, c’mon… Just sing a song or something.”
“I do not sing,” Yue stated.
“I think not.”
“Could you just stand there and pose?”
“Damn it, Daidouji! I’m a moon guardian, not a mannequin.”
Tomoyo sighed. “This could take a while.”
The evil Dr. Eriol Hiiragazawa and his assistants, TV’s Ruby Moon and Spinel Sun were all assembled around a television set.
“Okay,” came the voice of Roger Ebert. “Our next film is ‘Eriol Hiiragazawa And The Book of Clow’,”
“Ha, ha!” Eriol cheered. “My moment of triumph is at hand! Soon everyone will see how brilliant I am compared to that weenie-boy Potter.”
“…a confused, disoriented mess of a film that makes a very lame attempt to rip off Harry Potter.” Ebert finished.
“Whaaaaaaat…?” Eriol whined.
“I agree completely,” said Richard Roeper. “Who does this goofball think he is? I mean, he spends the whole movie talking about how great he is and how he’s the reincarnation of Clow Reed…”
“Whoever that is.” Ebert added.
Eriol fell over. “This can’t beeeeeee…” he whimpered.
Ruby Moon shut off the television. “Easy come, easy go, I guess.”
“Where is that little twerp?!’ Eriol growled as he sprang back to his feet.
“Now, now, master.” Spinel Sun chided him. “Remember your blood pressure.”
“Yeah.” Ruby Moon added. “Why don’t you send Sakura and her little friends an experiment? That’ll make you feel better.”
“I suppose…” Eriol grumbled as he headed towards the control console.
THE SATELLITE OF LOVE
Sakura, Syaoran and Kero were heading down the corridor towards the bridge. They were delayed momentarily as a Tomoyo plushie, dressed as a crossing guard, wandered into the center of the hallway and held up a “Stop” sign and began guiding other plushies across the hallway.
“Do you think we give them a little too much freedom?” Kero inquired.
Sakura shrugged. “But they’re so kawaii!”
Syaoran and Kero rolled their eyes. Just then, the sound of loud music began coming from the bridge. Kero shuddered as he realized that the song was “Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees.
“What the hell?” Sakura and Syaoran chorused.
When the doors to the bridge opened, it revealed something that no one could have possibly expected in a million years.
Yue wearing a white disco suit.
The bridge was filled with flashing lights and a mirrored disco ball hanging from the ceiling.
Sakura, Syaoran and Kero sweatdropped. "What the hell?" they repeated. This was brought to an immediate halt when Syaoran whipped out an ofuda.
Poor stereo. Never saw that lightning coming.
"What was that?" inquired an annoyed Tomoyo as she lowered her camcorder.
"A step in the direction of good taste," Syaoran replied.
A light began to flash on the console. Normally, Meiling would point that out, but she wasn't around.
"Ahem..." stated Yue, gesturing towards the console.
Syaoran rolled his eyes. "Looks like Dilandau and his flunkies are calling," he said.
"Heidi-ho there," said Eriol. "I see Daidouji's been playing dress-up again."
"What was your first clue?" asked Kero.
"Anyway," Eriol continued. "I've decided to delegate this week's Clow card exchange to Ruby Moon."
"Well," Ruby Moon began, stepping forward. "My Clow card is called 'The Aura'. Now you can feel the presence of your favorite person, no matter where they are..." Ruby Moon let out a dreamy fan-girlish sigh.
"Is that why this place reeks of Touya lately?" inquired Spinel Sun.
"Touya does not reek!!" Ruby Moon shouted.
"Maybe not to you..." Spinel Sun replied calmly but sarcastically, "But to the rest of us it smells like an elephant died."
"Suppi, I am going to mangle you..."
"Shut up! Both of you!" shouted Eriol.
THE SATELLITE OF LOVE
"Well, our Clow card is called 'The Radio'," Tomoyo began.
"That's right, Tomoyo-chan," said Sakura. "With our new Clow card you can listen to whatever you want on the radio. It's for all those out there who get sick of hearing one song played eighty thousand times in a single week."
"It'll also save you a lot of money on CDs," Kero added.
"What do you think, sirs?" asked Sakura.
"Very amusing," said Eriol, who was contemplating using that card to force every radio on earth to play nothing but the new techno mixed soundtrack to "CardCaptors". That would liquidate the minds of the masses fairly quickly. "Anyway, your experiment this week is a Pokemon fic crossed with 'The Brain From Planet Arous'. It features the yellow rodent everyone loves to hate, Pikachu, as the leader of an evil gang so stupid they make Usagi Tsukino look like a Nobel prize candidate. I give you the bitter entree of defeat, in the form of 'Mother, May I [Take Over The World]?' by Akane Tendo's favorite fan, Mallet Boy. Send 'em the fanfic, Ruby Moon!"
"He STINKS!" Spinel Sun stated flatly.
"Does not!" Ruby Moon retorted.
"Oh, brother..." groaned Eriol.
THE SATELLITE OF LOVE
"Where is Meiling
anyway?" inquired Kero.
"The lawyer she hired to try and force me to marry her was just indicted on charges of fraud an embezzlement," Syaoran replied.
"Oh," said Kero. "That was handy."
Suddenly alarms and sirens rang out.
“OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!” Sakura cried out.
(Door 6: It melts away to nothing.)
(Door 5: It swirls open from the center.)
(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)
(Door 3: It splits into six long strips that retract into the doorframe.)
(Door 2: It’s made of small wooden blocks. The CCS plushies come in and haul them away, one at a time.)
(Door 1: It’s a set of theater curtains. They are pulled back and you move on.)
(Door .7: The camera pans downward where a small hatch pops open.)
Sakura, Syaoran, Tomoyo and Kero-Chan enter the theater. The three take their seats in the theater while Kero-Chan floats overhead.
>(Scene temporarily fades in to a
large bonfire, where Jennie-chan, a.k.a.
>~J.C.~ is seen handing out marshmallows to all those who wanted s’mores in
>her last Pokemon-bashing fic, so they can roast them over the fire, just
>recently re-fueled by flames from that same fic)
Sakura:<Jennie-Chan a la Peter Lorre>Come sit by the fire. Heeheheh.
>ME: Oh, and I wanna add that this story goes out to *Your Worst
Syaoran: Freddy Krueger returns yet again.
>Thank you for the lovely flame, it’ll fuel my fire nicely all night long;
>and you thought you could get rid of me…no bonfire can destroy me!
>muahahahaha! I’m baa-aack. ^_~
Sakura: What is she on?
Kero: Search me.
Tomoyo:<Jennie-Chan a la Dilandau>Burn, BURN, BURN!!! Bwa-HA-HA-HA!!
>(Scene fades out again, and into real fic)
Sakura: And awaaaay we go.
Syaoran: Scene changes are always a plus.
>“Mother, May I [Take Over the World]?”
Kero: Sounds like the title of Mariemeia Khushrenada’s autobiography.
Tomoyo:<Mariemeia> And I would’ve gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!
Syaoran: That’s a disturbingly good impression, Daidouji.
Tomoyo: Just call me Maggie Blue O’Hara, babe!
Sakura:<singing>Everybody wants to rule
>a pointless fic written by Jennie-chan, a.k.a. ~J.C.~’s younger brother
>(the one with the mallet)
Kero: Nothing like truth in advertising.
Sakura:<Jennie-Chan>Why can’t the little twerp get his own Fanfiction.net account?!
>edited by Jennie-chan, a.k.a. ~J.C.~
Syaoran: MSTed by CardCaptor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun)
>*Warnings: let’s see…Pikachu-bashing,
Kero: All right!! Smash that rodent flat!
Syaoran: I’ll get the ax, you get the chainsaw.
Sakura: Pikachu bashing, not slashing.
Syaoran: Same difference.
>World-leader-bashing, Evil-vilain-bashing, brief cameos…basically, too
>many, otherwise I’d be here all day. I’d hafta say that the biggest
>warning of all is that this was written by an 11-year-old, but mind
>you…there are many, many more things wrong with this fic.
Tomoyo: So why are you inflicting it on the general public?
Syaoran: I hope this 11-year-old isn’t as
demented as Syaoran’s Lovertoy.
>Not to be read unless you have a STRONG sense of humor!
Kero: Or a strong stomach.
>*Note: < > = translation for what Pikachu is saying; we’d never understand
>the thing elsewise.
Syaoran: In other words, a Dr. Thinker fic.
Kero: Ba-da BING!
>Six shadowy figures gather together in a small room,
Kero: The Amazoness Quartet were going to challenge Paul Newman and Tom
Cruise to a game of pool.
Sakura:<Cere Cere>Five ball. Corner pocket.
Tomoyo:<Palla Palla> Wai! I’m next!
Syaoran:<Tom Cruise> This is divine punishment for making “Mission:
Impossible 2”, isn’t it?
Sakura:<Jun Jun> Zip it, shorty.
>seating themselves around a long, rectangular table and all facing the
>front, waiting for their leader.
Kero: Mr. Tinkles? What are you doing here?
>These six are some of the most evil, vile, and not-very-nice people who
>ever walked the face of the earth.
Syaoran: Tom Green, Rush Limbaugh, Howard Stern, Jerry Springer, Adam Sandler and Joe Eszterhas?! Noooo!!
Kero: Who’s Joe Eszterhas?
Syaoran: The guy who wrote “Showgirls”.
>On the right side of the table we have: Adolf Hitler (second in command),
Kero: Not bad for a dead guy.
Syaoran: Phew! Get the air freshener!
>Sadaam Husan (the strong guy),
Sakura: Who’s Sadaam Husan?
Tomoyo: The leader of Irq? How should I know?
>and Napoleon Bonaparte (the strategist).
Syaoran:<Napoleon> Invade Russia during winter!
Kero: A bad idea is born.
>To the left of the table we have Fidel Castro (the guy who just plain hates
>the leader, but is still evil),
Tomoyo:<Madison Taylor> Whatever.
>Richard Nixon (the other strategist),
Syaoran: Another dead guy?!
Kero:<Nixon> I am not alive. I am not alive.
>and Fred Funnybunny
<All fall over>
Kero:<Fred Funnybunny>I’m such a funny little bunny!
Sakura:<Usagi>That’s my shtick! Get your own!
>(the quiet dude [the evil twin brother of Fred Fritterbunnies (the good one
>is my best friend [they’re made of paper (that’s all […why am I still
Syaoran: Good question.
Tomoyo: So many brackets, so little time.
>At the very end of the table, we have the most evil out of the six: the
>one, the only…Martin Luther King Jr.?!? Wait a second here…
Syaoran:<Martin Luther King>I have seen the promised land! This fic wasn’t part of it.
Tomoyo: In another universe, in a completely different fic, something interesting was happening.
>A temporary, new location of the camera shows a large ballroom-type setting
>with some of History’s greatest “nice guys.” Over towards the side, we
>see Gangas Kahn have an argument with cupid.
Syaoran: Genghis Kahn? A nice guy?
Kero: There are few things worse than a bad fic that thinks it’s funny.
Tomoyo: Is that it?
Sakura: Yeah. Pretty much.
>Ooookaaaay…well, it looks like Mr. King Jr. is stuck along the ride for
Kero:<Martin Luther King>Stop the fic! I wanna get off!
Syaoran: He’s not the only one.
>Moving right along….
Tomoyo: Please do.
>The room quiets down as footsteps are heard walking down the hall.
Syaoran: The footsteps are walking down the hall?
Sakura: Maybe a footstep is a new kind of pokemon.
>Suddenly, the door opens and closes,
Kero: Smacking the poor sap in the face.
Syaoran: Damn spring loaded door! It broke my nose!
>and footsteps are heard
>as the leader of the Bad Guys slowly walks up to the podium in the front of
Kero:<Leader with squeaky voice>I’m Wally! And you’re in trouble, by golly!
Sakura: Cute, Kero.
>(which so conveeeeeeniently appeared).
Kero: Ah, a plot contrivance.
Syaoran: Does this mean Jennie-Chan’s brother is Stephen Ratliff?
Tomoyo: Marissa Picard in a Pokemon fic? I don’t think so.
>Barely a sound is heard in respect for the figure:
<All hum “The Godfather” Theme>
>the most evil character of them all.
Kero: He’s EVIL! Eeeeeeeevil!!
>As the footsteps reach the front of the room and cease, two pointy, yellow
>ears appear over the too-tall stand.
Sakura: Yoda? Is that you?
Kero:<Yoda>Joined the dark side, I have.
>“PIKA-CHU! <Welcome!>” it speaks, somehow managing a Russian accent.
Syaoran: When cloning Josef Stalin goes horribly wrong.
>After yet another plothole provides it with a stepladder, we can now see
Sakura: This plot has more holes than Fourth Avenue.
Tomoyo: Perfect description for Pikachu.
Syaoran:<James Cagney> You dirty rat…
>is wearing a green rear admiral uniform with many, many medals.
Kero: I got this one for swimming and this one for knot tying…
>In his hands, he holds a wooden pipe. As he blows into it, bubbles come
>out the end.
Syaoran: Perfect for such a bubble-head.
Kero: You’re thinking of Brock.
Sakura:<Bubbles Card> There’s gotta be an easier way to make a living.
>No longer impressed (and a bit outraged), Castro walks right up to it and
>says, “You mean to tell me a cute little yellow rat is out leader?!? I
>should be the leader!”
Syaoran: Then Castro shot Pikachu in the head. The End.
>“PIKA! <Not a chance!>” Pikachu exclaims as it shocks him.
Kero:<James Bond> Shocking.
>“Yeah, like I said…you da man” the now-toasted Castro corrects himself,
>blowing out an anime-style black mushroom cloud before collapsing on the
Sakura: Was that supposed to be funny?
Kero: How would I know?
>Taking no notice of his fallen ally, the rat continues, “Pika-ka-Pi <As I
>was gonna say,>…Chu-Pika-Pi-Chu-Pikachu! <the world will be ours!>”
Tomoyo:<singing> The world is NOT enough!
>“Hooray!” The five still-conscious evil guys exclaim.
>“But that would be wrong. Violence is not the answer.” M.L.K. Jr.
Syaoran: Quite true.
Kero: Yeah, but authors don’t let petty things like common sense get in their way.
>“Pi…Pika <aw…shaddup.>” said the rat,
Kero: No. You shut up.
Sakura: No. You shut up.
Kero: No. You!
Sakura: No! YOU!
>“Pika-Pi-Pika, Chu-chu-pika-pi-pikachu-chu. <but before we do, we need a
>permit.>” it explains.
Kero: Well, that oughta delay ‘em for a good three months.
>And so, the 7 evil doers (and a reluctant M.L.K. Jr.)
Sakura: Shouldn’t that be six evil doers?
>go to the “Taking-over-the-world Permit” center, right across the street
>from your local drug store.
Kero: Who does this guy think he is? Dave Barry?
Syaoran:<Author a la Dave Barry>Ha Ha! Booger!
>Standing at the back of the semi-long line, we zoom ahead to see just what
>the hold-up is, and find none other than Pinky and the Brain.
Syaoran: Are you pondering what I’m pondering?
>“What do you mean we can’t get a permit?” says Brain.
>“Sorry,” the Permit-seller-dude says, “but we have a regulation: no selling
>permits to mice.”
Kero: Looks like Pikachu’s outta luck.
>“Why, this is an injustice!” Brain exclaims.
Syaoran:<Brain>Hey! It’s Martin Luther King Jr.! He’ll explain it to you.
>“Hey, that’s my line!” Wufei Chang exclaims from somewhere mid-line.
Sakura: Couldn’t be.
>“What are you doing here?” Dorothy Catelonia questions him (she was
>somewhere towards the front).
>“Just running some errands for Marimea. And you?”
<All fall over>
Kero: We set ourselves up for that one.
Tomoyo:<Mariemeia>Could we move it along, please?!
Sakura: Please, stop that! It’s creepy.
Sakura:<Dorothy> Crap… Line?
>Ignoring the two, Brain suddenly turns to Pinky. “Wait, Pinky…are you
>pondering what I’m pondering?”
>“I think so, Brain, but how will the hippos fit on the hotdog rolls?” Pinky
Tomoyo: Pinky lives in a strange world.
Syaoran: Yeah. The one created for this fic.
>“Baaah…I say we leave here so I, Napoleon, can conquer the world!”
Sakura: I thought Pikachu was in charge.
Kero: Boooo! Lousy pun!
>“Keep your shirt on.” Sadaam exclaims.
Kero: Strippers! Cool!
>“….” Says Funnybunny.
Syaoran: Guess he’s not much of a talker.
Tomoyo: He’s doing his Silent Bob impression.
>“Right, Fred, “says Nixon, “we should leave now. Then we can get to
Kero: ‘Cause to conquer the world you have to leave it first.
>So, ignoring the permit-business altogether, the eight jump into a
>helicopter so conveeeeeeeniently appearing by yet another pro-evil-guy
>plothole, and fly away.
Kero: So many plotholes and contrivances. Are we sure this isn’t by Ratliff?
Tomoyo:<Pikachu a la Marissa Picard>Pika-Pi- Pika!! (Gimme those strawberries!)
>Reaching N.A.S.A. headquarters about 20 minutes later (“Is there a movie on
>this flight?” Napoleon asks),
Syaoran: Yeah. “Freddy Got Fingered”. And if that isn’t demoralizing enough, we’ll feature “Battlefield Earth”.
>they all climb up the stars to
the door of the boss’s office. Pikachu opens the door.
>“PIKA-PI! <Give us N.A.S.A., or else I’ll shock you!>”
Syaoran: He’s gonna make him read ‘The Clow’s Help’!!
Kero: Wait a sec… We didn’t MST that fic.
Sakura: Yeah, but why ruin a good joke?
>“Yes, anything…just please, don’t hurt me!” the boss exclaims, cowing from
>the foot-and-a-half-tall rodent with the devil-given powers.
>In conquering N.A.S.A., the eight steal one of the rocket ships behind them.
>Hiltler gets behind the controls and they blast off.
Kero: Good. Maybe that fat Kool-Aid guy will sit on them.
>Zooming along, they choose to head for the White House in Washington D.C.
Syaoran: Unfortunately, the Pentagon spotted them and blasted them into flaming bits with intercontinental
Kero:<Dilandau>Burn, BURN, BURN!!! Bwa-ha-ha-HA!!
>Hitler is driving as Sadaam
keeps bugging him to drive (“Is it my turn yet?
>You already got a turn! It’s my turn! I wanna drive!”)
Tomoyo: So, someone whacked off his head with a three-wood.
Syaoran: Hey, Saddam! Drive THIS!
>Castro is using that opportunity
to lock M.L.K. Jr. in the trunk, getting zapped by Pikachu
>in the process because he accidentally closed the lid on it’s tail.
Kero: Sadly, Pikachu’s attack ignited the liquid oxygen in the fuel tanks. They were blown into space dust.
Sakura:<Sailor Moon>Not bad.
>Castro and Funnybunny are
watching cartoons on the big-screen TV while munching on
>popcorn, and Napoleon is sitting in a corner playing with Barbie dolls.
Kero:<Napoleon>Damn it! My Size Barbie is still taller than me!
>“We’re here.” Says Hitler, and everyone gets out (well, everyone who can).
>George W. Bush is seen in the backyard of the White House, running on a
Syaoran: Not unlike the hamster that runs in his head.
>“Give us the U.S., or we kill you!” says Castro.
Kero: Then Pikachu and his gang were gunned dead by the Secret Service
agents and their bullet ridden bodies were fed to the dogs.
>“Better yet, give us all of North America!” adds Hitler, “We’re taking over
Sakura: Like he has jurisdiction over North America.
>“Oh…okay.” Says Bush, “Good Luck.”
<All fall over>
Syaoran: I knew they should’ve elected Gore.
>“That’s my Bush!” Castro exclaims, pleased with his cooperation, “I
>should’ve tried that a long time ago.” He muses suddenly.
Syaoran:<Bush> Just kidding! Jim. Billy Bob. Get my ten gauge. I got a commie to blast!
>“PI! <Wait!>” Pikachu suddenly exclaims,
>“Pi-Chu-Pi-Pi-Pikachu-Pika-Pi-Chu-Ka-Pika! <Just Mexico and the U.S.; not
>“How come?” Hitler wants to know.
Tomoyo: He’s not the only one.
>“Pi-Chu-Pikachu <I’ve heard stories…>”
Syaoran: Uh-oh. This kid better hope that CardCaptor Schlueter doesn’t get a
hold of his ass.
Tomoyo: Yeah, eh?
Kero:<Colin Mochrie> I’d rather kiss Ryan Stiles than read this fic.
>“Fine.” Napoleon says, before turning back to Bush, “Bye.”
>All seven, now having conquered the U.S. and Mexico, climb back into the ship to free M.L.K. Jr., steal Bush’s secret-submarine->that’s-not-a-secret-anymore, and head for Australia.
Kero: Suddenly we’re in “The Hunt For Red October”.
>An hour later, they all land in Sidney’s dock, where Governor General Sir Wialliam Peone was there, on his yacht.
Sakura: CUT!! Could we try that name again, please?
>“Give us Australia.” Nixon demands.
Syaoran: Just then, Nixon and the others were attacked by Crocodile Dundee.
Kero:<Crocodile Dundee> No worries, mate! Pikachu is good eatin’. Tastes just like chicken.
>“Why?” the governer asks.
>“Uh…’cause I said so?”
Sakura: Very convincing.
Tomoyo: No wonder he lost that debate to Kennedy.
Sakura: Blah, blah, blah…
<All fall over>
Kero: And I thought “The Brain From Planet Arous” was annoying.
Syaoran:<Pikachu a la Gor>I’m GOR dammit!! Obey Gor!
Tomoyo: William Shatner? That you?
Syaoran: Great. We’ve wandered into an N’SYNC song.
Kero: Well, author, looks like we’re playing the fool for you. Just a bunch of players in your game for two.
>“PIKA! PIKACHU! <Knock it off; you’re giving me a headache!>” the rat complains.
Tomoyo: Yeah. I feel the same way about that song.
>Having conquered Australia (“Why do they call it ‘down under’” Castro wanted to know, “It’s not really under anything!”),
Syaoran: Who does he think he is? Seinfeld?
Kero: Don’t give up your day job, Castro.
>they then hijack the governor’s yacht, throwing him overboard in the process, and sail to Asia, landing in Beijing, China.
Sakura: Can you get into Beijing in a boat?
Syaoran: Well, assuming the air force doesn’t blast the crap out of you… No.
>The President, Jiang Zemin, just happened to be driving by with his family. The eight people pull him over.
Syaoran: FOUL! China doesn’t have a President. The Chinese leader is the Chairman.
Kero: Frank Sinatra?
>“Pika-Pi-Chu! <We’re taking over your car.>” the rat says.
Tomoyo: Just before he was riddled with gun fire from the Chairman’s bodyguards.
Kero: Pikachu IS the wheelman!
>Suddenly, the rat (who was at the wheel) stops, puts the car in reverse, and drives back.
Kero: Into a tree.
Tomoyo: Watch out for that….
>“We’re also taking Asia. Bye, now.” Castro tells him. Nixon takes the wheel and starts driving.
Syaoran: Yeah, right… Given the sheer numbers, the Chinese could whomp these morons without weapons at all.
>“Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer!” all but the rat sing,
All:<singing>You take one down, break it over Pikachu’s head… Then the rat falls over, dead!
>“You take one down, pass it around, ninety-eight bottles of bee-”
Kero: Please tell me that they’re not going to sing the whole song.
>“PIKA! <Shut up!> PIKA! <Shut up!> PIKA! <Shut up!>”the mouse exclaimed, throwing it’s hands over it’s ears, “Pikachu-pi-pi-chu! ><Stop that annoying song; I hate that annoying song!>”
Kero:<Pikachu>And if any of you are even thinking of singing anything by the Spice Girls or Aqua, I swear I’ll fry you to a crisp.
>The all immediately stopped, for it is a well-known fact that you should never agitate an evil, demented, charged-up, electrical, yellow >rat, especially with an annoying song.
Syaoran: Yeah. I think that was in Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations somewhere.
>“Here we are!” Nixon exclaims. They all get out and look up at Buckingham Palace, located in downtown London.
<All of them hum “Hail Brittania”>
>“We can just walk right in.” Says Castro, “Those guards never move.”
Sakura: Oops… Guess he was wrong.
>They walk into the palace, up the stairs, and into the Queen’s living quarters.
Syaoran: They’re braver than I thought.
>“Hello. We are trying to take over the world,” Napoleon begins, “and were wondering if you would be so kind as to donate Europe to >us. We would be ever so grateful!”
Tomoyo:<Elizabeth a la Touya>Fat chance, kaijuu.
Kero:<Napoleon a la Sakura>I am NOT a monster!!
>“Why, of course, dearie.” The queen exclaims, thinking the short Napoleon was a polite, little boy, “But before you go, would you like >some tea?”
Syaoran: Where there’s insanity, there is inevitably the tea.
Sakura:<Queen Mum> Woo-hoo! This stuff’s even better than gin! Cheers!
>“Sure!” everyone exclaims, and they all sit down at a little China-tea-party-set that so conveeeeeeniently appeared (boy, that happens >a lot, doesn’t it?).
Kero: Whatever you say, Ratliff.
Tomoy: Hey! Where are your manners?
>“Delish!” exclaims M.L.K. Jr.
Syaoran:<sighs>Poor Martin Luther King… First he gets shot and now this.
>After tea, they all take the Queen’s private jet to South Africa, where they soon find President Thambo Mbeki, who was standing in >front of his house in Pretoria, watering his flowers.
Syaoran: Hey! Are those peonies?
Sakura: Better test them to be sure.
Kero: Shameless plug, guys.
>“Give us Africa,” Napoleon says, “or Mr. Hand will eat you!”
Syaoran: Ray Walston’s here?
Tomoyo: Then the president chopped off Mr. Hand with a machete. Cue laugh track.
Kero:<Napoleon>Hey! This isn’t an “Evil Dead” movie, y’know!!
>A close-up of Napoleon’s hand is shown. It had drawn-on eyes, the thumb for a jaw, and looks like a face.
Sakura: And the French wonder why people don’t respect them.
>“No.” the politician says.
>“Then all will feel the wrath of Mr. Hand! Muahahahaha-(cough, cough…cough)-hahahahaha!” Napoleon yells maniacally.
Syaoran: Could we get some lithium for the short French guy?
>“Behold the power of SPAM!” Castro shouts, stepping in front of Napoleon.
All: ARGHHHHHHHH!!! MASS-MAILED PYRAMID SCHEMES!!!! HELLLLP!!!
>He holds out a plastic container that reads SPAM. Opening it, he takes out a greeny, mushy substance and throws it at the >President. It sails in the air before pathetically landing at Mbeki’s feet with a *plop*
Sakura: Eeeeewww… It’s Pikachu brains.
>“Hmm…the power of SPAM is weak today,” Castro announces. Everyone twitches, except for Napoleon, who is having a >conversation with Mr. Hand. Everyone twitches even more.
<All twitch as well>
>“Piiiii….<Riiiiiight….>” Pikachu says, sweatdropping.
Syaoran: For once, I’m with him.
>“I’m so freaked out, you can have Africa, bye!” Thambo Mbeki exclaims before running away from the psychos.
Sakura: Guess he was drinking the tea too, hmm?
>“Hey, Thambony!” Nixon calls out, “Any means of transportation around here?”
>“Sure; just take the matter transporter!”
Syaoran:<Thambo>I bought it off of Washu.
>All seven evil dudes and M.L.K. Jr. step inside, suddenly appearing in front of the president of Brazil: Fernando Henrique Cardosa.
Kero: Just then, they were horribly mutilated by Blanka, who had been waiting there since the last “Street Fighter 2” sequel.
Syaoran:<Seinfeld>Gee… What a Shame.
>“Hey, will you give us South America?” Sadaam asks.
>“Hmm…only if you stick your head in a vat of cheese for me.” The president replies.
Kero: What is this? A “Nickelodeon” special?
>“I’ll do it!” Sadaam exclaims, and sticks his head in the vat behind him. “Hmm…tasty!”
<All shake their heads in disbelief.>
Sakura: I give up.
>“Pika-Pi-chu! <now I own the world!>” Pikachu exclaims, very happy with their progress: conquering the entire world in only 8 hours.
Syaoran: Really? Seems like longer than that.
Sakura: I can’t help but notice that they haven’t conquered the middle east yet.
Kero: Are you kidding? The Israelis alone could crush these pathetic losers.
>“What do we each get, boss?” Sadaam asks, licking the cheese off his fingers.
Syaoran: Hopefully, a bullet in the head.
>“Pika <Well, Sadam,> Pi-chu-Pika <You get Africa>.”
>“Thank you, master!”
Kero: Jeannie? That you?
Kero:<Pikachu>Go to hell.
>“Pika-Pikachu-chu <You may have Europe.>”
>“It’s about time!”
>“Wee-wee?” (giggling is heard coming from somewhere in the background)
Syaoran: Sounds like the author decided to have some tea as well, huh?
Kero:<Mallet Boy>Hee, hee! Watch out for snakes!
>“Pi-Pika-Chu <You get Asia>”
>“Oh, yeah! Look who’s laughing now, Russia! Your and your freezing weather!” he laughs, waving/slapping his tushie at the Russians >and break dancing, “Who ‘da man? Who ‘da man?”
Sakura: Whoever it is, it isn’t you, buddy.
>The rat ignores this little display as he continues dividing up the world, “Pi <Nixon,>”
>“Pi-chu-pika-pi-pika <You get all of North America, except for Canada, but they can keep it anyways.>”
Syaoran: Just then, in a master stroke of irony, Pikachu was run over by a maple syrup tanker.
Kero:<CardCaptor Schlueter>You were saying, rat boy?
Tomoyo: At least until he’s overthrown by Kirsten Dunst and Michelle Williams.
Kero:<Answering Machine>Fred isn’t here right now. But, if you leave a message at the sound of the beep…
>“Pi-Pika-Pi-Chu <You can have South America>”
Kero:<Pikachu> Bite Me.
>“Pika-pi-pika-chu <Australia is yours>”
Syaoran: My Goddess?
Tomoyo: You never learn, do you?
>“What do I get?” M.L.K. Jr. asks.
>“Pika. <you get locked in a trunk>”
>Sulking, M.L.K. Jr. walks off.
>“Pi_pika-CHU! <Now I own the world! Muahahahaha!>”
Syaoran:<Pikachu> I am the guardian of the hell.
Sakura: When is this going to end already?
>So all was happy for the bad guys…..
Tomoyo: But not for us.
<All look around>
Kero: The hell…?
>Ash’s alarm clock went off precisely at 8:00a.m. of course, he, Misty, and Brock were oblivious to the noise as they remained asleep.
Sakura: It was aaaaaaaaallllllllll a dream.
Kero: More like a nightmare.
>However, Pikachu slowly awakens…only to find it was all a dream.
Tomoyo:<Madison Taylor>Like, duh!
>“Chu? <huh?>” he sleeply asks no one in particular. Fully wakening, he snaps his fingers in defeat
Kero:<Pikachu> Curses! Foiled again!
All: About time!
Sakura:<singing>This is the fic that doesn’t end.
>All around, we see nothing but a pale-blue-screen cartoon background. From the left, a spotlight shines down upon two small figures >who walk to the center. The one with the large, round head suddenly turns to the other one.
Syaoran: Hitchcock? That you?
>BRAIN: Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?
>PINKY: I think so, Brain, but after we get the hippos in the hot dog buns, how will we teach them to fly?
>BRAIN: No, Pinky…if we ally with the yellow rat known as Pikachu, we could take over the world, overthrow him, and rule it >ourselves! Come, we must prepare for tomorrow night.
>PINKY: Why, Brain, what are we going to do tomorrow night?
>BRAIN: The same thing we do every night, Pinky: Form an alliance with Pikachu…and try to take over the world!
Kero: Good luck. You’ll need it.
>~cue “Pinky and the Brain” theme song~
>V/O: They’re Pinky, Pikachu, and Brain…Brain…Brain…Brain…
Syaoran:<Brain> Got him!
> ~end song~
Kero: End fic.
Sakura: End MSTing.
Syaoran: Just End.
The players were assembled in the large gloomy headquarters around a long table, similar to the SPECTRE set-up
in “Thunderball”. Around the table were numerous evil megalomaniacs; Mariemeia Khushrenada, Nabiki Tendo, Ryoga
Hibiki as Gor, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Auric Goldfinger, Dogbert, the guardian of the hell who was disguised as Sakura, Gendo
Ikari, Dr. Tomoe and his assistants, Mr. Burns and Smithers, Lady Eboshi, Dr. Evil and at the head of the table, dressed in
sinister fashion was Tomoyo Daidouji.
“Well, well, ladies and gentlemen,” she said in her best impression of Dr. H, “Our plans to conquer the world are
proceeding very nicely indeed. ‘Reality’ TV has made all of those western nations weak in their heads. Soon they shall be
defenseless against our ultimate weapon! ‘Stupid Movie’! Starring Pauly Shore, Yahoo Serious, Carrot Top and Bob Saget!!
“Eeeeexcellent,” said Mr. Burns.
Nabiki was busy calculating how much money she could make by selling her share of the planet to the others.
Just then, in a very convenient plot twist, Pikachu leapt onto the table. “Pika-pika-pikachu!!! <I should be the leader
here!! Make me leader or I’ll shock you!!>”
Pikachu’s demand was met with disagreement as everyone around the table pulled a gun on him.
“Chuuuuuuu…” said Pikachu sadly.
Tomoyo whipped out her camcorder. “I think I’ll call this ‘Pikachu’s Gruesome Death Scene’.”
Then gunfire was heard.
Eriol, Ruby Moon, Spinel Sun and Harry Potter were all gathered around a table having dinner.
“So.. you really think you can get me a contract with Rawlings?” Eriol inquired.
“Sure,” Harry Potter replied. “I can practically guarantee a return of twenty million in the first year.”
“I’d better,” Eriol replied glowering at his doppelganger.
A light flashed on the control console. “Looks like we’re getting a call from the satellite,” said Ruby Moon as she
leaned over and pressed the button. An image of Sakura, Syaoran and Kero came onto the screen.
“Well, San and Ashitaka,” said Eriol. “How nice of you to call.”
“What’s going on?” asked Sakura. “I thought you hated Harry Potter.”
“I do,” said Eriol. “But we’ve set aside our difference when we faced off against a common enemy who just
happened to wander into Deep 13 this afternoon.”
“Common enemy?” Syaoran was confused.
“A certain hairy rodent with a limited vocabulary who was popular once but is one his way out,” Eriol replied.
“You mean Howard Stern?” inquired Kero.
“No,” said Eriol. “But someone just as annoying. Pikachu.”
“Oh.” Sakura, Syaoran and Kero said simultaneously.
“I know I’m probably going to regret asking this,” said Syaoran. “But, what is that you guys are eating?”
Another evil grin came to Eriol’s face. “Let’s call it ‘Soylent Yellow’,” he replied. “Until next time, my little
friends. Push the button, Ruby Moon.”
“You know we should have cooked this medium-rare,” Ruby Moon said as she smacked the button.
THE REAL END
(Feel free to hum “Catch You, Catch Me” as the credits roll.)
Okay. First of all, this MSTing has been on the shelf since September 11th. I thought it would be considered bad
taste to feature an MSTing about a fic that finds humor in evil, violence and taking over the world. I’ve tried to tread fairly
carefully on this one. I’m still not entirely sure about the joke about the Pentagon blowing up Pikachu with ballistic missiles.
I’m hoping no one is offended by any of this stuff. If anyone thinks that joke is in bad taste I’ll probably edit it out.
And now for a few responses to letters:
To CCSchlueter - You can never really expect self-insertion fic writers to
paint realistic and reasonable (?) portraits of themselves. I prefer to
dismiss them all as delusional idiots. (Of course I'm being biased here; I
HATE self-insertion fics.) And disgruntled fans who declare that 'Sakura and
Syaoran will get together over their dead bodies' can go hang themselves
because S+S is canon with a C. Unless they go confront CLAMP and demand a
rewrite of the series --- which is very unlikely to happen --- Sakura and
Syaoran will be THE couple, and there's really nothing they can do about it.
They could always fic about Syaoran and/or Sakura ending up with someone else,
though. Oh wait, they're doing that already. I had a point, really, but I think I dropped it somewhere.
Quite true. S+S is the pairing. Tim II Challenger once defended the works of the Amazoness Duo by pointing out
that “if Syaoran hadn’t show up it would’ve been Sakura and Tomoyo”. But, I think of it as, if Syaoran hadn’t shown up,
Sakura would be dead. Rika and ‘The Sword’ would have finished her.
But, hey, that’s just me ^-^. While I don’t care for the Duo’s works, they’re a lot better that Syaoran’s Lovertoy’s.
Nothing bugs me more than an author who hates the characters they’re writing about.
Speaking of mean spirited authors, Lady Yuy has finally noticed that I MSTed “Good Bye Sweet Li”. She’s a year
late, but you know what they say.
Here’s what she had to say:
How dare you make fun ofm e like that. How I write my fanfic is non of your busness. I bet only jackasses like you
read your MiSTing. Do you know why I hate S+S. because they suck, just like you! Sakura and Li will be together
over my dead body! Hmm, your a stupid writer yourself… So how dare you disagree with me! Go learn a sense of
humor before you write jokes, GET IT! You must spend all day on your computer, you damn computer NERD!
Syaoran:<snort>Back at you, buddy.
Sakura: I wonder if she realizes more people read out MSTing than the fanfic.
Anyway, let us set aside the fact that Lady Yuy screwed up even her rant against me for a moment. Another guy,
A.R.H defended Lady Yuy. A.R.H’s argument can be summarized as: Lady Yuy is a bad writer but it’s not her fault.
Now then, Lady Yuy, first of all is is my business how you write a fanfic. Ever hear of C&C? Reviews? Your
holier-than-CLAMP attitude is a real strike against you as a writer; maybe even more so than your lack of spelling or grammar
skills. In my first days as a fanfic writer on the old FFML, back when I wrote Ranma ½ fics, I was MSTed on my second fic.
Guess what? It sucked. I learned something from that. That was five years ago, and now I sit in the MSTer's chair and face the worst.
I can’t help but notice you didn’t come up with any points to defend your fic and I can’t help but notice that it’s also
disappeared from ff.net.
Why is that? And how can you get mad when you write a fic with the title “Flame Me”. Do us all a favour, and get a
life. When you write fics to deliberately antagonize your readers, you’d better be prepared for them to start fighting back.
Okay, one last letter:
*grins* I really liked that cameo scene and the little cute SxS romance when trying to protect each other! (Me: Kawaii!)
And of course I liked the whole cameo appearence. I also liked the Holocabana at the end. *snicker* Things are getting
a bit to violent on television... And the Ruby Moon and Touya thingy... O-o
Throughout the MSTing I was laughing my head off at Sakura and company's remarks. SyaoranLovertoy is a bit too
sensitive. >(Dies a slow bloody death) ..... Now really! How mean to Tomoyo and Sakura. Anyway, I won't comment on how
horrible the fic was since you already did that so in short, the MiSTing was cute and funny! ^_^
Ms. Magical Girl
You look like Keitaro Urashima from “Love Hina”?
Yep. Scary, isn’t it? My hair isn’t as short as his and I have blue eyes instead of brown, but otherwise the
resemblance is a tad disturbing.
Well, that’s all for now.
-CardCaptor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun)
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Deep Fried SPAM:
1) Why Not Make A Little Money While Surfing The Net
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